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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Why I've Decided to Plant an Apple Orchard...

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, that's why! Oh, the day I have dreaded all year arrived yesterday. I awoke that morning, wiping the sleep from my eyes, stretched and thanked my Lord for another day. Then I realized what lay ahead, and I thought about taking that last bit back...
Yes, it's check-up day! First, I must confess that I've never been one to rush my kids off to the doctor. In fact, I don't like doctors appointments myself. I 'd rather chew off my own arm as to go. But, I feel I have done my children a disservice because they are petrified of the doctors office! I mean, padded wall petrified. Straight jacket petrified. Circus clown petrified! Jackson worse so than Lillie.
Poor Jack. He has refused to take the thermometer under the tongue the last couple of times he's had to go, and the alternative is none too pleasant. So, yesterday morning, we practiced using a thermometer. Now, that was sad. A good thirty minutes I spent sticking it in his mouth and just when I considered trying to round up a small sedative, he did it, without screaming! I was feeling pretty good. Left Chloe with Jody and, since she screams anytime you put her down, I thought I was going to have it easy compared to him.
The kids went bonkers in the waiting room, I suppose from nerves. And I had a stack of paperwork to fill out that made me mourn the loss of thousands of trees. Finally, the moment of truth.
Lillie did fine. Stepped on the scale, took the thermometer, smiled and told Jack he was acting like a big baby. And did my little guy take the thermometer calmly? Not really. He freaked out as usual. Well, so we got back to the little room and Lillie again did fine with her vitals. Jack's blood pressure was unusually high, for some odd reason, so they had to take it again later. Jack screamed everytime someone came near him. And when he wasn't screaming , he and Lillie were running bonkers around the exam room. Next, the nurse handed me two little hospital gowns.
Jack took a look at the gown, then the nurse, then me and asked, "Is this a dress?" "No, it's a gown, honey. You need to put it on." He looks at the gown, then the nurse, then me, "Uh, I'm not wearing a dress. I'm a boy, boys don't wear dresses." "Honey, it's a ... you know what , just put it on." He did, but he didn't like it. Kept on muttering about having to wear a dress.
Well, their doctor is male, so they calmed down considerably and Jack did okay, Lillie did fine.
"Well, they look good, Mrs. Davis. Now, it looks like Lillie needs a hemoglobin (that's fancy talk for stabbing your finger) and is due for 5 shots and looks like Jackson needs 3." Then he leaves and lets the sweet nurse do his evil bidding.
I swallow...hard. "Do you perhaps have any sedatives?" I ask the nurse as she comes in. She laughs. She doesn't get it. "NO...I'm serious. Do you?" She still thinks I'm kidding.
Lillie immediately melts down. Hunches down in a corner screaming "NO NO NO Don't do it! OH NO Please!" I smile at the nurse. I can since now the panic in her eyes. She has no idea.
I had to hold Lillie down on the table. She screamed and almost threw up because she gagged on her own spit. The nurse was flying through the shots. Jack was in the corner now, screaming and launching into full scale panic. I had to hold him down. He is ALOT stronger than I am. And I laid on top of him and covered his mouth, all while singing "Amazing Grace". When it was over, I looked up at the nurse, both of us sweating and flushed. "Bet you get this alot." I say. She looks at me and smiles a weak little smile. "No, not really." I wouldn't be surprised if that twenty something nurse slips into early retirement.
Before she left, she reviewed all the info she had gathered and said, "Lillie's getting at that age when taking care of her teeth is important. Have you taken her to the dentist yet?"
I smile. "What do you think?"


  1. Now THAT was funny! Although I am sure you weren't laughing! Sounds like our crew only the setting is a photo studio. Have yet to get a family picture professionally done. Perhaps now they would sit for it but I gave up 3 yrs ago! Update us when you brave the dentist! We've yet to tackle that with the twins!

  2. Sounds like our two and they are 13 and 15. I think they get it from me.

  3. I laughed until I lost bladder control... oh, wait- maybe that's a bi-porduct of being 9 MONTHS PREGNANT.